Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Michelin Man with eat your family

The Michelin Man seems harmless enough. He's a big white,friendly,and fluffy guy made of tires - as if he was the Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man's gay uncle. That said, he's not friendly and he'll murder you and your entire family if given the opporunity.

I came across this article on my favorite website The article discusses what someone had listed on the Wikipedia page for the Michelin Man's origins. Unfortunately, it looks like someone took it down but it's probably some of the most creative writing I've seen in a while and makes me think one of us wrote it.

Here's the exerpt from Jalopnik's post on the article:

The company's symbol is Bibendum, (aka "Bib the Michelin Man", "Bibelobis", or simply the "Michelin Man") Composed of stacked, bleached white tires, the Michelin Man is a behemoth of the advertising industry. His feats of incredible strength are matched by none, and his legendary tales make Sylvester Stallone look like Pee Wee Herman. Those who have crossed The Michelin Man and attempted to defraud or defile his name have often been reported missing shortly afterwards. The authorities are looking for any help regarding the missing persons case of Alex Banjodark, who has apparently been missing most of his upper body and head since in 1998. HISTORY: The Michelin Man was created in 1898 by a crazed German hermit named Berthold Heinz-Dieter who lived in a junkyard. Berthold could not stand to touch another human's skin, so he lurked in his junkyard every day, creating crude robots fashioned from chunks of metal and mud. One day an unannounced tire truck dumped off a load of used tires into his lot, falling upon the metal framework for a robot he had previously created to smash in the windows of his neighbor's house. A chemical reaction soon took place and, energized by a strike of lightning, this robot literally "came to life" and immediately "murdered" Berthold. Unleashed upon the public, the deadly robot roamed the wilderness and survived by murdering rabbits, bears, trees, lions, hats, mountains, and other stuff that lives in Germany's woods. He was captured during the US defeat of German forces at Ruhr Valley on April 1st, 1945, and treated as a prisoner of war.

Eventually he befriended a kind-hearted American named Colonel Henry "Sharkface" Sam, whom he persuaded to bring him to the United States. Upon reaching Camp Beauregard, the German killing machine immediately murdered Colonel Henry and his wife and children. Michelin Tires Inc. captured this marauding menace and, through a rigorous series of training events, taught him to refrain from immediately murdering people. They dubbed him "The Michelin Man" and promoted him as "the most trustworthy lump of talking tires that will mostly certainly never immediately murder you." While many trained actors donned the Michelin Man costume and attended various store openings and other promotional events, the true Michelin Man was kept inside Michelin's maximum security prison until 2001, when their leading engineer claimed the Michelin Man was "safe enough" to be released. As soon as he was exposed to the outside world, the Michelin Man immediately murdered the twelve guards escorting him and eventually embarked on a state-wide raping spree in which he violated 48 females, 23 males, nine post office boxes, and a majority of the animals and instruments at a pork factory.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Better than Bond


Go over to Joe Loves Crappy Movies and read his post about Jean Claude Van Damme's new movie JCVD. This one actually looks like it is worth watching. The movie might actually be good. Frightening, I know. To bad for Van Damme that he decided to make a good movie 15 years too late.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quantum of Solace

I've been waiting to see Quantum of Solace for exactly two years. After seeing Casino Royale on opening day two years ago, I couldn't wait to see how Daniel Craig and the new team of writers continued what may have been one of the best Bond movies ever made. Well, last night I got to see Quantum last night and as a huge 007 fan, I liked the movie a lot. I also recommend watching Goldfinger and then Casino Royale before going.

It's opening is probably one of the most exciting in the history of the series and stands alone as an excellent sequence. What's nice is that the opening indicates that Quantum of Solace picks up essentially 10 minutes after Casino Royale ended. While it is helpful to have that link, due to the change and tone of the movie Quantum's dark overtones and even darker characters stand in stark contrast of the more clean and energetic Casino Royale.

Some of the other more noticable differences are the action scenes. Casino Royale had a few very fast-paced, short action scenes compared to the very long and numerous action scenes in Quantum that begin to hark back over-the-top action of older Bond films. To a point, the plot line gets lost due to the continuous fight scenes and the movie will inevitably leave you questioning why large holes in the plot weren't addressed(see the back story of Dominic Greeene's plot in Bolivia) in favor of fight scenes that are a little too much like the Jason Bourne series.

All in all, it's a good movie but has a very different feel to it. It's still Bond and it's still enjoyable - but he's become a very modern character, one that's visibly a broken man and somewhat of an anti-hero in how he carries out his missions. If you wanted to compare it to a previous Bond movie then look at On Her Majesty's Secret Service. It was the first movie after Connery left the role and it took the Bond series in a very different direction from what it had been. OHMSS didn't execute this transition very well but today, we see Quantum has helped to reinforce the "new 007" that revitalized the brand and character as he's evolved successfully from the joke of a character Pierce Brosnan turned him into. If you're a Bond fan or enjoyed Casino Royale then go see Quantum of Solace.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Damn, you guys!

I know while I wasn't there you guys watched Femalien one night. Well, I guess now I've paid the price for that.

The other day I saw Movie Gallery was having a $3.99 DVD sale.

I'm sure you see where this is going.

I'm browsing, nothing, nothing, nothing... BOOOOOM! Femaliaen!

I honestly thought I was just buying a really, really bad movie but apparently I was buying soft core porn. Fantastic!

So now I have to decide to throw away Femalien, which doesn't really seem like an option. Or for the rest of my life own but have to hide the fact that my DVD collection includes Femailien.

I am at the crossroads of life. And now I kind of want to buy Femalien 2: The Search For Kara.

I will say it's one of the more organic porno's I've ever seen. An alien inhabits a hot female to study human interactions. At least that is some what plausible to have a sex scene every fifteen minutes.

Also, I just read The Dark Knight Returns. Really, really good even though it's not pornography.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Ebert's list of rules

My brother just sent me a link to a list of rules, posted by Roger Ebert, to follow when in the movie critic business. Even before getting to the list, he manages to insult potential readers in once sentence (calling them "mouth-breathers"), then in the next, insult his editors. This guy is great.
You know he is taking this very seriously when the list begins with "Carefully clip the Rules and fasten them to your refrigerator with a Homer magnet". He even provides an image of just such a magnet.
The rules cover everything from how to write a review, to don't be stupid and ask a celeb to pose for a photo (or an autograph).

Here is one of them... go here to see them all.
Do the math. If one week you state, "'Mr. Untouchable' makes 'American Gangster' look like a fairy tale," and the next week you say, "American Gangster" was "Goodfellas" for "the next generation," then you must conclude that "Mr. Untouchable" is better than "Goodfellas."